South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut
directed by Trey Parker

What if an alien in the future stumbled upon The South Park Movie? Welcome to Earthling Cinema, where we examine the last remaining artifacts of a once-proud culture and try to understand what human lives were like before their planet was destroyed. I’m your host, Garyx Wormuloid.

South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut (1999)
Stars: Trey Parker, Matt Stone, Mary Kay Bergman
Director: Trey Parker
Production Co: Comedy Central Films, Comedy Central, Comedy Partners

Written by: Ben Steiner
Analysis & Directed by: Jared Bauer
Starring: Mark Schroeder (https://twitter.com/mark_schroeder)
Edited by: Ryan Hailey
Original Music by: David Krystal (http://www.davidkrystalmusic.com)
Opening Animation by: Danny Rapaport
Producer & Additional Artwork by: Jacob S. Salamon

South Park’s Hidden Meaning – Earthling Cinema

Greetings, and welcome to Earthling Cinema. I am your host, Garyx Wormuloid. This week’s artifact is South Park: Bigger Longer and Uncut, based on the smaller, shorter, circumcised TV show of the same name. A movie based on a TV show? Simpsons did it.

The movie follows four pieces of construction paper named Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and the Cart-Man, who live in the snowy mountain town of South Park, Eldorado. As is the case with all Earthlings, they live only to consume content, and so are very excited about a new movie starring Terrance and Phillip, of the species Canadian. The excessive profanity of the movie rubs off on the young boys, and they proceed to curse up a shitstorm.

Inspired by a pivotal scene in their new favorite flick, Cart-Man bets Kenny that he can’t make methane flambÈ. Kenny takes that bet with a side of relish, and soon he is admitted to the human repair shop, where a handsomely-voiced doctor fits him with a Mr. Potato Heart. Kenny ships off to a planet called Hell, more commonly known as the Red Planet. There he meets the Chicago Bulls mascot and his lover, an Earth dictator named Sodomy Hussein.

Now that all the kids in South Park are shooting off at the mouth, their parents blame Canada and form a tribunal called Mothers Against Canada, thus prompting the return of the M.A.C. They arrest Terrance and Phillip as war criminals, prompting Canada to bomb the home of America’s first family: Alec, Stephen, Daniel, and James Baldwin. And because Americans needed no political experience to hold public office, Kyle’s mother teams up with President Clinton’s husband Bill to declare war on Canada.

Terrance and Phillip are executed, and their antioxidant-rich Canadian blood mixes with the oxidants in the soil to open a wormhole, allowing the Bulls mascot and Sodomy to visit Earth. But they immediately start bickering in public like a couple of relationship amateurs who haven’t learned to bottle everything up inside, and Kenny encourages the Bulls mascot to send Sodomy back to Gomorry. To repay Kenny, the mascot grants him a wish, so he wishes for a reset because you can take the characters out of the sitcom, but you can’t take the sitcom out of the blah blah blah you know the rest. What, do I always have to spell it out for you? Alright, here goes:

South Park: Bigger Longer and Uncut is built on a foundation of metatextual narrative, or meta-texnar — but please, meta-tex-nar is its father, just call it meta. Humans were obsessed with all things meta, from their decency shrouds to their world peace, and movies were no exception. Terrance and Phillip: Asses of Fire is an exaggerated version of the South Park film itself: a poorly animated, excessively profane adaptation of a controversial TV show — a show that was dismissed as being too poopy yet reflected something decidedly non-poopy about America’s stance on censorship. Cart-Man is literally censored when they implant him with a profanityinhibiting V-chip, not to be confused with a V-card — 20-yearold me, you know what I’m talking about. This form of conditioning is reminiscent of that which was used to cure society of violent crime in the sweet, pulpy British novel A Clockwork Orange. Are bad words as deplorable as rape and murder? If you look at Earth’s standards of censorship, it would seem so. If you don’t look at Earth’s standards of censorship, why are you even here?

Indeed, human priorities were way out of wack, which is the wrong place to be relative to wack. Their culture was such that celebricide was treated with the utmost importance, while more glaring injustices were left completely unaddressed. The citizens of South Park would rather go to war than accept accountability for their children, something my children’s nanny would find completely unacceptable. But so goes one of Earth’s most sacred traditions — scapegoating.

Perhaps the only thing humans considered more sacred was the classic-style musical, which was when producers put songs in a story to make up for lack of plot. South Park draws heavily on musicals past — from the child oriented animation to dramatic live action to tourism propaganda to whatever the hell this is. And as the bird William Shakeshack once said, if music be the food of love, disgusting.

For Earthling Cinema, I’m Garyx Wormuloid.

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