2,000 Year-Old Advice On Picking Up Chicks

Published in 2 A.D., Ars Amatoria (or the Art of Love) is Ovid’s guide to courting that special someone. Heed this masterful poet’s advice to have yourself a very Happy Valentine’s Day.

Written by: Lindsay Golder
Directed by: Jacob S. Salamon
Starring: Greg Edwards, Nathan Lowe
Edited by: Ryan Hailey
Produced by: Jared Bauer
Artwork by: Jacob S. Salamon

2,000 Year-Old Advice On Picking Up Chicks

What it do y’all? Many of you have probably heard of Publius Ovidius Naso, better known by his street name, Ovid. Most famous for his epic poem, Metamorphoses. But what a lotta people don’t know is that Ovid considered himself a master of the ladies, and wrote a book full of dating advice called Ars Amatoria- or The Art of Love

Ovid said: “If anyone among this people knows not the art of loving, let him read my poem, and having read be skilled in love. OR, “Listen up, bitches, and da ladies will be all up on us.” So let’s take a look at this pimp master’s advice: “First, strive to find an object of your love… The next task is, to win the girl that takes your fancy; the third, to make love long endure.

Check your hood. Who’s the girl that blows your mind and hopefully someday other things? You gotta make goals, here, players. And once you’ve picked, it’s time to get your woo on. “Do your hunting in the round theatres…There will you find an object for passion or for deception, something to taste but once, or to keep, if so you wish… to chastity that place is fatal.”
Ever wonder why movie theaters are dark? Ovid here says it’s cuz movies be popping more than popcorn. So take her to one of them chick flicks and she’ll be ready to mount your Olympus.

“Wine gives courage and makes men apt for passion; care flees and is drowned in much wine. Then laughter comes, then even the poor find vigorous, then sorrow and care and the wrinkles of the brow depart”
Make sure to pound the crunk juice if you’re usually one of them sad bastards. No lady wants to hear about how your cat, Ms. Muffy, died when you was seven. Hell, my balls just took a nap saying that outta my mouth.

“At such time often have women bewitched the minds of men, darkness and drink impair your judgment of beauty…. Consult the daylight for jewels, for wool dyed in purple, consult it too for the face and bodily form.” A girl can go from busted to bang-a-licious when you’re drunk. So Ovid says to make sure to holla at a girl when you’re sober, unless you want to wake up with more than
just a hangover. It’s like when they turn the lights on at the club. Uegh.
“Take care first to know the handmaid of the woman you would win; Corrupt her with promises, corrupt her with prayers; if she be willing, you will gain your end with ease. This is a sure-fire plan. So remember you’re no janitor at a convenience store. Nah man, you’re a freaking Rockefeller getting your nuts rubbed down with exotic oils. Nawwhatimsayin?

“Tears too are useful; with tears you can move iron; let her see, if possible, your moistened cheeks. If tears fail (for they do not always come at need), touch your eyes with a wet hand.”

Hell, even Ovid knows sometimes a brutha needs to show his sensitive side. And if you can’t cry fo real, then you gotta fake it til you make it. So get you a little petroleum jelly and rub it under your eyes. Not too much, that’s the key. And if all goes well, you can save some of that jelly for later. Slip and Slide home, playa.

So now you got all you need to go get yourself a date on V day. Make sure to subscribe to Wisecrack for some more smart shit on the reg. Peace.

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