Cleopatra

Welcome to Boss Bitches of History, the new series from Wisecrack. Dedicated to celebrating emboldened women throughout the ages who bucked the system and boldly faced the sexist hegemony of their time.

The show is created, written and hosted by Sovereign Syre and Ela Darling – two entertainers who defy contemporary standards of American intellectualism and feminism.

Sovereign Syre studied poetry and creative non-fiction at the prestigious master’s program founded by poet laureates Philip Levine and Juan Felipe Herrera.

Ela Darling earned her master’s in Library Science from the University of Illinois at Urbana–Champaign, the top Library Science program in the country.

Created, Written & Hosted by: Ela Darling & Sovereign Syre
Illustrated by: J.R. Fleming
Produced and Directed by: Jared Bauer
Edited by: Ryan Hailey
Edits by: Tyler Rice & Lindsay Golder
Producer & Additional Artwork by: Jacob Salamon
Production Design by: Chris Pearson
Music: “Joe Godsil” by The Gretchens

Cleopatra

The ancient world was a shitty place for women. Unless you were the original boss bitch, Cleopatra,who used who used her charm, wit, and sexiness to manipulate all the horn dogs around her and climb her way to the top.
She ruled Egypt with her douchey brother, Ptolomy XIII. They were married, ew, which was custom at the time and apparently no one thought was gross. Like any modern marriage, they were always fighting and never fucked. It was a constant power struggle between siblings fighting for control of Egypt but Cleopatra was not a woman to turn up her toga and run.

Enter Julius Caesar, who had the Jack Nicholson paradox of being incredibly sexy yet cursed with a heinous comb-over. Et tu brutal.

So when Caesar rode up into town, Ptolemy tried to start a bromance by cutting off the head of one of his enemies and delivering it to his door like he Amazon Primed it.

Everyone loves getting head! But this blew up in Ptolemy’s inbred face. While Caesar thought the guy Ptolemy killed was a douche, this was a little too Glenn Close for comfort. Instead of broing down, Caesar was totally skeeved out. Cleopatra used Ptolemy’s dumbass move to her advantage.

One night, Cleo snuck into Caesar’s camp rolled up in a carpet. Do you think her carpet matched the drapes? A Roman never tells. They say Cleopatra was fluent in seven languages, one of them must have been the language of love. She bossed and tossed that caesar salad.

Because Cesar was backing her claim to the throne before his toga even hit the floor. And what happened to Ptolemy? He wound up “accidentally” drowning in the Nile. Cleopatra didn’t take shit from anyone and even had her own sister executed for siding with Ptolemy. So gangster. Nine months later, Cleo ties it down by giving birth to the heir- regent of Egypt. So how’d Cleo lock down power? War games, negotiations, land sacrifice? Nah. Her pussy.

By all accounts, Caesar and Cleopatra were balls-deep in love. Caesar had it so bad for Cleo he built a golden statue of her. But they really couldn’t make anything offish since Caesar couldn’t divorce his Roman wife without facing political backlash. They were the ultimate power couple… ‘til Caesar kicked it.

But when the new leader Mark Antony invited her to Rome, she moved on like a Kardashian.

Italian men are pretty easy because once again, a meeting with a Roman leader
left Cleopatra impregnated with political power…and a baby. A few years later, Mark Antony moved his shit into Cleo’s place and got hitched, even though he was a total skeeze and married to some other chick.

Mark reconfirmed Cleopatra’s power over Egypt and gave ruling power to each of her children. Some researchers say she married Mark Antony for political gain and never really got over Caesar. I think she was married to the baller lifestyle. After Mark Antony died- Was her puss-wah cursed or something?

Well, Cleo was captured and placed on suicide watch. But this was a woman who
always got what she wanted– to the death.
According to myth she was poisoned by an asp.

But she most likely consumed a cocktail of poison and opium. Just like Anna Nicole Smith.

In the end she died the way she lived- in control of her sitch.

Cleo-fucking-patra. Boss ass bitch from start to finish.

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